These days, “going with the flow” is harder than it sounds. Already in 2021, we’re dealing with a year-long pandemic, widespread financial instability, a newly inaugurated United States president, in addition to any longstanding personal issues that may be challenging our lives. For most of us, the stream of life has become difficult to navigate. So, this may come as a surprise, but now is a good time for developing resilience by learning how to successfully navigate your life through the chaos and challenges. WHAT?!
By “going with the flow,” I don’t mean passively riding an ideal stream of life events, like a tubing trip down a lazy river. I mean owning your part in navigating “the waters” around you– whether curvy, steep, breathtakingly fast, or smooth and steady.
With calm waters, it’s easy to feel capable and in-control because the route is predictable and even. But, when the waters become difficult, it’s easy to feel out-of- control. In response, some people may unintentionally let everything or nothing go. In trying to maintain safe passage, they respond to challenges in extreme ways. To them, making all- or- nothing decisions seems like the easiest and fastest way to handle threats. Moderate decisions require harnessing what feels unsettling, which is more effortful, but learning how to tackle life in between the two extremes can be more helpful in the long-run.
We essentially have three choices for navigating life’s challenges: We can repeatedly adapt (FLOW), repeatedly fight (DROWN), or repeatedly surrender (STUCK).
“The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose, what you think and what you do is who you become.” (Heraclitus)
Drowning is like constantly battling challenges that arise, yet being unable to “keep your head above water” for long, no matter how hard you try. You might frequently feel resentful or angry, trying to stay in control of big and small perceived changes that are outside of your comfort zone. Feeling, on the other hand, is the opposite state of being. It happens when the life you strive for seems “out of reach.” You might frequently hold back (consciously or unconsciously) because you are fearful of possibilities, or feel victimized by circumstances beyond your control. Instead of over-extending your energy, you under-extend your energy in the face of threatening challenges.
In contrast, choosing to flow means intentionally managing what is, whatever that may be. This requires a recognition of your ability to make micro-adjustments or “course corrections” along the way. You might be unable to change where the stream of life is headed or the speed of its current, but you position yourself well to handle upcoming challenges. You believe in your power to stay the course, like a kayaker deftly navigating a swift and windy river. And the decisions and actions you choose, day after day, shape who you are – resilient in the face of troubling waters and content in calmer channels. You understand that life is a journey, full of different challenges and choices.
When you go with the flow, you are focused on reality at any given moment- not as you may want it to be or how anyone thinks it should be. You acknowledge your role in how things play out, both good and bad, as well as giving others and events the same consideration. You accept limits- whether personal boundaries, timed deadlines, or other restrictions- and discern their meaning and importance to you. And small acts are understood as valuable because they can accumulate to make lasting impact over time.
Drowning and stuck states are associated with poor health and quality of life. They impair blood flow and increase the amount of damaging hormones in the body, contribute to maladaptive psychological conditions, and disrupt professional organizations and family systems (to name just a few of their damaging effects). So, there are real reasons to develop a more resilient, flowing mindset. But, how does one begin to flow?
First, commit to a change in perspective about how you navigate life. If you’re drowning or stuck, work on modifying this mindset to more flexibly stay present in how things are. Be compassionate with yourself as you explore new ways of seeing. This might require the help of another person: a trained therapist, counselor, coach, or teacher. Or, it might mean individually putting into action the inspiring ideas of an author.
Second, clearly examine the benefits and costs of your current way of making decisions and taking action. Evaluate the fit with your personal values (are you living YOUR life?). What is important? What can be feasibly adjusted? What is within your control? Discerning how best to use your time, attention, and/or energy takes practice, like anything else. It’s a process, not an achievement.
Third, remember that even small changes can make a difference (e.g., drinking more water each day can positively impact thinking, energy, and digestion; spending five minutes each day to support someone special can rekindle the relationship; taking small “think breaks” at work can improve productivity). Do what can be done, bit by bit, and watch the effect grow.